"When I come back, that's that." He says it firmly, but Lark might get the idea that it's said to convince himself more than Lark. Because those words hit harder than he wants them to, and on top of everything else it's left him reeling slightly.
"No more guns, no more Irish business, no more double-crossing."
"But do what instead?" Lark asks, and he asks it soft.
"I've got a legitimate business on the side, I use it to fund everything I do. And after fighting for my life, after watching my home burn down and my friends die, how could I ever go back to signing contracts and pretending I feel half as alive as I did when I had someone's gun at my head?"
"By thinking of how your brothers might get blown up, and your sister might get raped, and everything you've worked for goes down in one go, just because you wanted too much."
He's exhausted, mentally and physically, but he manages to say this with considerable force and fire. His hand clenches around the communicator that holds Grace's messages, and something ugly and petty twists in him that he has to push down.
"Everything we went through, I won't diminish it all for that."
"Tommy. What you've done, it's not going to be undone by retirement.
You are Thomas Shelby and now you always will be. Existing is to be
in a state of risk, but you, you've made more of yourself. There are always
going to be people out to cut you down for it."
So why not reach for more, is Lark's motto. You're going to be hated and
hunted anyway, you can at least die with your boot on someone's
throat.
Of course, instead of saying so, he smiles, worried and encouraging--mostly
worried.
"I can stop them from cutting me without needing to step on their corpses," he says, hoarsely.
Only he's not so sure that he can. That he can let it go; that the Thomas Shelby he's always imagined himself to be could do that. The fact that Lark says so, right now, that Lark is pulling this doubt from him with both hands makes him nervous, twitchy- angry, almost.
He doesn't smile back. He clenches his jaw, then stands up.
"You're superimposing your own ambitions onto my life, Lark."
Lark is quiet a minute, studying him, and in that moment he is very much not human, very much the creature that lives alongside humanity and picks off the young and sick.
Tommy is neither of which and Lark finally shrugs a shoulder. "Actually, I doubt our ambitions are in the same postal code. But I do know a thing or two about having a whole group of semi-innocent people picked off for being associated with me, Tommy."
Lark's tongue presses the back of his teeth as he considers saying what he'd meant, pressing harder to see how much Tommy believes this and how much of it is just fear.
He decides, instead, to do what he often does with Tommy and just let it go. It's not worth the argument, but it's also certainly not worth letting something slip that he would rather keep to himself.
"You're right. I'm sorry. I just would rather you find lasting happiness than the muffled version of it that comes with too much safety."
"I'd rather live a muffled life than one in which my family keeps getting opportunities to hate me, where they're constantly at risk." He's so deeply tired, suddenly, standing in the middle of the cabin, still clutching his communicator. The way Lark makes him doubt, the way Lark makes him think of planning--
He's so tired of being who he is. Of being the kind of person who has considered, even briefly, continuing after the standoff with Kimber.
Lark nods, settled back into the deeply attentive part of his personality. He doesn't say--doesn't need to say--that Tommy's family is at risk now and forever, that Tommy quitting doesn't mean all the habits will be gone.
"Again. If they could forgive, then what they felt before wasn't hate." Which is something Lark finds comfort in, given his many betrayals and the forgiveness others give him.
"Spare me the semantics, Lark." He drags a hand through his hair- he knows he isn't being fair, right now, isn't treating Lark with the consideration he deserves. But he's let his guard down around the other man in a way that went far deeper than this, and it's difficult to throw it back up in this moment.
Lark just watches him, doesn't say anything at all, as silent as he'd have been in his other form just watching for clues. He'll nod, but shut the door after Tommy's out.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-04 11:08 am (UTC)"No more guns, no more Irish business, no more double-crossing."
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-05 02:37 am (UTC)"I've got a legitimate business on the side, I use it to fund everything I do. And after fighting for my life, after watching my home burn down and my friends die, how could I ever go back to signing contracts and pretending I feel half as alive as I did when I had someone's gun at my head?"
cw: rape
Date: 2015-09-05 05:18 pm (UTC)He's exhausted, mentally and physically, but he manages to say this with considerable force and fire. His hand clenches around the communicator that holds Grace's messages, and something ugly and petty twists in him that he has to push down.
"Everything we went through, I won't diminish it all for that."
Re: cw: rape
Date: 2015-09-05 06:30 pm (UTC)"Tommy. What you've done, it's not going to be undone by retirement. You are Thomas Shelby and now you always will be. Existing is to be in a state of risk, but you, you've made more of yourself. There are always going to be people out to cut you down for it."
So why not reach for more, is Lark's motto. You're going to be hated and hunted anyway, you can at least die with your boot on someone's throat.
Of course, instead of saying so, he smiles, worried and encouraging--mostly worried.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-05 07:01 pm (UTC)Only he's not so sure that he can. That he can let it go; that the Thomas Shelby he's always imagined himself to be could do that. The fact that Lark says so, right now, that Lark is pulling this doubt from him with both hands makes him nervous, twitchy- angry, almost.
He doesn't smile back. He clenches his jaw, then stands up.
"You're superimposing your own ambitions onto my life, Lark."
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-05 07:22 pm (UTC)Tommy is neither of which and Lark finally shrugs a shoulder. "Actually, I doubt our ambitions are in the same postal code. But I do know a thing or two about having a whole group of semi-innocent people picked off for being associated with me, Tommy."
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-05 07:46 pm (UTC)"There will always be more to come, if you do that."
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-05 07:52 pm (UTC)He decides, instead, to do what he often does with Tommy and just let it go. It's not worth the argument, but it's also certainly not worth letting something slip that he would rather keep to himself.
"You're right. I'm sorry. I just would rather you find lasting happiness than the muffled version of it that comes with too much safety."
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-05 08:05 pm (UTC)He's so tired of being who he is. Of being the kind of person who has considered, even briefly, continuing after the standoff with Kimber.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-05 08:09 pm (UTC)"Do they hate you?"
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-06 09:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-07 02:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-07 09:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-07 12:32 pm (UTC)"Should I go?"
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-07 12:39 pm (UTC)He takes a deep breath, rubs his mouth, then holds up the communicator.
"Thank you, for this. It's-- Thank you."
(no subject)
Date: 2015-09-08 01:29 am (UTC)